Trump, Letterman, and Me
I have a crazy story to tell. Unfortunately, this story took place in a dream last night and I can only wish it were true.
I drive a Dodge pickup truck — in real life. In my dream, however, I put a big sticker in the back window that read, “Conservatives against Trump”. Pretty innocent, right? Well, as the dream continued, I was in the grocery store and as I walked out a man was standing in the bed of my truck spray painting something over the window sticker. I yelled something at him, grabbed a gallon of milk from my shopping cart, and threw it at him. I hit him square in the side and knocked him out and onto the pavement.
Maybe you can see why I wish this story were true. Wouldn’t it be satisfying to see him land on the asphalt in a puddle of 2% dairy?
Well, he promptly stood up and began yelling at me, defending his actions and accusing me of wrongdoing. He grabbed his phone and called 911, yelling that he would charge me with assault. While we were there being interviewed by the police a news truck showed up and also began interviewing us about what had happened.
I began ranting to the news lady about vandalism, attempted graffiti, Donald J. Trump and his lack of leadership skills, his dishonesty, and the cowards in the United Senate who declined to ratify his impeachment — twice! I yelled about broken laws, bankruptcies, and transfer of power.
The next thing I know, the news story goes viral. It is the big thing on cable news and social media. Well, you know how surreal dreams can be — I jump forward in time and I am being interviewed on the David Letterman show. I know, I know, Letterman is passe, a thing of the past. But this is my dream and I like Letterman.
I am sitting in the guest’s chair and Letterman is asking me questions, and completely enthralled by my wit. I am killing it. The crowd loves me. Cheers, applause. There are also boos and sneers from some in the audience but we ignore them.
I tell the whole story of what happened with the window sticker, the graffiti, and the milk. Letterman shows the video of my news interview. More cheers and applause. They love me. I just smile.
Well, we continue and Letterman begins asking me questions about politics, Trump’s campaign, his proposed policies, his gaffes, his previous term in office. He asks about my opinions regarding Joe Biden, his leadership, and his gaffes.
Finally, I stop and say, “Dave, listen. This is fun and interesting and I’m flattered. I’m truly having a ball but my 15 minutes are up. I am not famous and I am no one of significance. I am nobody. You should be asking these questions to people much more experienced and knowledgeable than myself. Thank you very much, but I am leaving.”
I stand up, wave to the crowd, and begin to walk off stage.
Dave hollers at me. “Doug. Wait. Please come back and sit. Please.”
“Dave, listen,” I say, turning back to him. “I think we are done here.”
“Doug. Please sit.”
I return to my seat.
“Now, Doug, we have someone we would like you to meet.”
And who do you think walks out from behind the curtain?
Cheers, applause, boos. Donald J. Trump is walking towards me from behind the curtain.
“Doug Perkins, meet former President Donald Trump.”
I must tell you that in real life I would have been intimidated, and in awe, even though I strongly dislike the man. But in the dream, I felt nothing. We shake hands. I sit in the main chair and the Donald sits on the couch so that I am seated between Dave and Donald. I am in the main chair.
Before Dave has a chance to say anything Donald says, “Mr. Perkins, you appear not to like me.”
“No sir. I do not.”
Donald looks out at the audience and directly into the camera. He smirks. He begins to go off on a defense of himself and accomplishments while in office, immigration and the wall, his wonderful friendship with Xi Ping, tariffs and travel bans, and so on. Before he goes too far though, Dave interrupts him with a laugh.
Dave turns to me. “Doug, lest this becomes a campaign stop for Mr. Trump, what do you have to say? As you said a minute ago, your 15 minutes are about up — so, take advantage of the moment.”
So, without turning to look at the Donald I begin. “Look, President Trump has a response for everything, whether relevant or not. He is prepared to defend every decision and every statement.” I glance over at Trump and he has a smirk and looks at the audience.
I continue. “I am tired of senseless leadership. I am tired of irrationality.”
Then I get rolling. I can feel my blood pressure rising and I lean forward in my chair.
“If it had not been for the cowardice of Mitch McConnell and the Republican cowards in the United States Senate, we would not be sitting here having this discussion. The great pretender here would be off on some golf course somewhere cheating on his score! We would …”
Dave is laughing. He interrupts me. “Doug. Doug. Wait. Slow down.”
I look over at Dave. His laughing and gap-toothed grin cause me to smile widely even though I am red-faced in my tirade.
“The Great Pretender? Did you just call him the Great Pretender? Where did that come from?”
I reply, “Yeah, the Great Pretender. That’s what I call him.”
The Great Pretender jumps to his feet. “I have never been so insulted! Who does the person think he is?! He is a nobody.”
Letterman stands — I stay seated. “President Trump, please sit.” Letterman is trying not to laugh. “Please sit. Please be calm. You will be able to defend yourself, sir. You are correct — that was disrespectful. Doug …”
I continue speaking as the Great Pretender and Letterman return to their seats.
But, quickly, prior to continuing, I must say that prior to this dream (you do remember this is just a dream, right?) I have never called Donald Trump that name before or ever even thought of that before. My subconscious is pretty talented, right? That name came out of nowhere.
I continue. “Look, his ego is so oversized that he can’t even handle the thought that someone would disagree with him. He likes fear. He wants people to fear him. That is not leadership! He does not care about the country, the people, or the Constitution. All he cares about is himself and his money and his fame. Dave, a minute ago you asked me about the coming election and what I will do. Well, I will answer that now.
“What this country needs is rational leadership and protection of the Constitution. Do you think we will get that from this guy?!” I jab my thumb in Trump’s direction. “He has proven that he does not care about the Constitution. He doesn’t know what’s in the Constitution.”
Trump: “Now, hold on a minute! I know what…Just wait. I know. The, the the Constitution is really old. It’s…”
I turn back to Letterman. “I rest my case. This (again I jab my thumb back at Trump) can’t be relied upon. Again, let me try to respond to the election question.
“I do not agree with many of Biden’s policies. I do not agree with all of the Democrat’s platform beliefs. But here is the difference. Let’s look at our governmental processes. What happens when a president is able to get party policy through Congress and into law, a policy that is disagreeable to the opposing party? Well, eventually, that policy will be opposed and countered. Even if it is made into law, it can be removed from law by a new president of the opposing party with congressional support. We see this all the time, right? Even Mr. Trump here promised to remove ObamaCare.
“Well, the problem with the Great Pretender here is a much larger problem with worse ramifications, much worse. My problem with him has to do with the Constitution. He is trampling on the Constitution. He has even claimed that it is not his job as the president to support the Constitution. How can that be? That is his main job!”
Cheers, applause.
“So, if I have to choose between a candidate who has policies I don’t like and a candidate who I can’t even respect, a candidate who has no respect for the Constitution and will try to defeat Constitutional premises that I love, I will choose the first anytime.”
More cheers and applause. Letterman is smiling.
I smile back. I glance over at President Trump and he scowls and will not meet my gaze but he tries to smile as he looks at the floor. He raises his hand as if to say, “Wait, I have something to say.”
Letterman looks at the Great Pretender. “Mr. Trump. Would you like to respond?”
Well, this is where I woke up. I couldn’t sleep much from there. My heart was pumping. I was happy and smiling. I thought how much I would like to have heard Trump’s response.
You know, I would love to have this 15 minutes of fame. But it is not to be.
When I got up this morning I told my wife the story of my dream. We laughed and laughed.
She then looked at me cautiously and said, “Don’t you dare put that sticker on your truck. You’ll get shot!”